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Big changes

 So most of you probably know that Tony and I have separated and divorce is on the horizon. Not something that I saw coming but God did. Not how I thought my life story would play out but God knew. Tony and I have remained friends. When our marriage was good for a lot of years, it was really good. We have a beautiful daughter together. Neither one of us has it in us to be ugly or mean. It just isn’t our nature. So, friends it is. I wish him nothing but the best in his life. But, how did I really get to the point where I could say that? One word…Jesus.

In the beginning I was very hurt. I was lost. 29 years is a long time to be married to someone and then not be married. To say it knocked the wind out of my sails is a gross understatement and it took me a bit to come to my senses. After the hurt came the anger. It’s not fair, stupid jerk, I hate him…all those things played over and over again in my mind. There was also embarrassment, a feeling of loss, grief if you will. This lasted for a few months. During this time I prayed that Tony would come back. As mad as I was I wanted it all back.

Then came Christmas break. Fun, right? Nope. Not this year. I was alone a lot of that time. I chose to be. I had to process. It was a dark time for me. In less than three years time I had lost my dad, had my only child fly from my nest (she doesn’t live with me anymore), I changed jobs and grade levels and will change jobs yet again this year ( even though I didn’t know that last Christmas). It was too much. The walls came crashing down. I didn’t let anyone close to me know about all this. I chose not to talk to anyone. Except for One….Jesus.

I told Him how I felt. I really wanted Him to justify my feelings. I wanted to hear Him say,”you have every right to feel this way! “He is wrong. You are right!” But He didn’t. You know what He told me? The same thing he told me 13 years ago in a similar situation, “but I forgave you.”

That is when my paradigm shifted. I remembered something one of my best friends told me. You can be bitter or you can be better. God helped me choose to be better. Not self righteous, taking no ownership in my part of our failed marriage. I will always have regrets and wonder what I could have done to save our marriage. But I’m better. 

There are so many ways God has taken care of me in the last 15 months. So many ways!!! I’m going to use this blog to tell people about them. At anytime while you read this if you want to know more about God and how to have a relationship with Him please don’t hesitate to message me. I would be happy to sit down with you and tell you my whole story and how the love of Jesus has made me a different person, a better person.

Love,

Kelli ❤️

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